The Harem Girls
by cheri1
Summary: 10Rose with Jack. Rose has been kidnapped by an evil emperor and imprisoned in his harem and the Doctor and Jack decide to get her out in a very unorthodox way. FINISHED
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

"Damn it."

Jack glanced over at the Doctor when he cursed under his breath. They were hiding behind a couple of trees staring up at the imposing palace of the emperor Shak Mananak Balome, the ruler of the planet, Ruruluk. A man who was known not only for his ruthlessness, but also for his insatiable appetite for women. He had his hunters kidnap them from all across the galaxy for his harem and Rose had been his latest victim. Now, she was confined somewhere within the palace at Balome's mercy and the Doctor was determined to free her no matter what the cost.

"So, what do we do?" Jack whispered to him.

"Thinking, Harkness," he muttered.

"Well, think quicker, he could in there be raping Rose at this moment."

"Don't you think I know that!" the Doctor snarled at him.

He sighed.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go off like that. I'm just worried, is all." He muttered to Jack.

Jack shrugged.

"Hey, not the first time someone's lost their temper at me," he said.

"If only there was a way we could get inside without being noticed," the Doctor said.

He scanned the palace grounds looking for any way they could get inside without being detected. The thought of his Rose helpless as someone raped her made his blood boil and it was interfering with his ability to think clearly.

While he racked his brain trying to come up with a workable solution, he suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder and looked over at Jack.

"Hey, Doc, how far are you willing to go to rescue Rose?"

The Doctor gave him a surely you must be kidding look.

"I mean, yes I know you would do anything to get her back even sacrifice your life. But, are you willing to do something totally outrageous and off the wall?"

The Doctor raised his eyebrow.

"Depends on how outrageous and off the wall it is, Jack," he said.

"Would you dress in drag to save her?"

The Doctor stared at him.

"Would I do what?"

Jack put his hand on the Doctor's shoulder.

"Doctor, are you willing to dress up as a harem girl and infiltrate the palace to save the one you love?"

The Doctor stared at him, hardly daring to believe his ears.

"You know Harkness, I'm as open-minded as they come," the Doctor said. "But dressing up as a harem girl is not something I would normally contemplate doing."

"You got a better idea?"

"Yes, let's keep our normal clothes on and just go barging in. That sounds far better than going in dressed like harem girls."

"Doctor, just trust me, I have a plan, but you have to be willing to dress in drag for it."

The Doctor stared at him.

"Um…just how long have you had this idea to dress me in a harem girl outfit, Jack? Because I suddenly have this funny feeling you didn't just think this up on the spot."

He stared at the lustful look in Jack's eyes and knew his suspicions had just been confirmed.

"Look, I know it'll be uncomfortable and a tad humiliating…"

"A tad?" the Doctor said.

"But time is running out and Rose needs us, we have to act fast!" Jack added.

The Doctor let out a defeated sigh.

"Alright, Harkness, anything to get Rose outta there. I just hope Rose doesn't blab to the universe that we saved her dressed as harem girls."

"Great, you got any harem girl outfits back at the TARDIS?"

The Doctor eyed him. He had said that a bit too eagerly for his comfort.

"I might, but I don't know if they'll fit us, Jack," he said. "Not to mention the fact that neither of us looks very feminine."

"There are ugly women."

"Uh…yes, but I'm sure Balome doesn't go for ugly women, Jack, and I really don't wanna die wearing women's clothes."

He sighed deeply.

"But, because Rose's life is on the line, I'm willing to try anything at this point so let's hurry up and get back to the TARDIS before it's too late."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The Doctor groaned when they left the TARDIS dressed as harem girls. To his complete surprise, he had managed to find outfits in their size, which made Jack extremely happy. He already asked if he could keep his and the Doctor hurriedly said yes, trying not to get an image in his head of him or Ianto wearing the outfit while they were having sex.

They both were wearing long, sheer, black skirts with purple trim, matching purple bras that they had stuffed with copious amounts of tissue and toilet paper, a long, purple veil with gold trim and coins that covered their hair and went halfway down their backs, and a small, sheer black veil that covered the lower half of their faces. Black satin shoes completed the look. The Doctor stared at himself and Jack and thanked Rassilon that the Time Lords were all dead. If they had been alive and this had gotten back to the high council, he would have been the laughing stock of Gallifrey. He shook his head as he stared at Jack.

So, there they were, two odd looking harem girls walking towards the palace hoping that they would be able to get to Rose and rescue her without being shot, molested or raped.

As they neared the gate that led to the courtyard, they saw two guards dressed in black leather outfits standing on either side of it.

"Well, here goes nothing," the Doctor muttered to Jack when they were spotted.

"You there! What are you doing out here?" one of the guards said when they walked up to them.

The Doctor opened his mouth to speak, but Jack, who spoke in a high falsetto voice, cut him off.

"We were just out taking a walk," Jack said in a voice that sounded like he had been sucking helium. "Is that not permitted?"

"No woman is permitted to leave the slave quarters without permission," he said.

"Oh! Is that right?" Jack said in the falsetto voice. "I'm so sorry, we're both new and we had no idea it was against the rules to be out here."

"How did you get out here?" the guard demanded.

Jack glanced at the Doctor. The Doctor cleared his throat.

"This nice courtier let us out," he said in a falsetto voice.

The guards looked at each other.

"Who is this courtier? He must be arrested and killed," the guard said.

"Oh," the Doctor said. "We don't know his name, like Gorga said; we're new here so we don't know anyone's name yet."

"Gorga?" Jack muttered to himself.

"Well, what does he look like? He must be reported!" the guard spat out.

Jack strolled up to him.

"Oh, hon, don't fret none about him. It was an honest mistake. Burple and I were the ones who convinced him to let us go outside."

He stroked the guard's cheek.

"We won't do it again, love," Jack purred.

"Well, just…don't let it happen again!" he said quickly. "Now get in before someone sees you!"

"Thank you, sweetie," Jack said stroking his cheek.

The guard cringed and yelled at them to go inside. Jack blew him a kiss as he and the Doctor stepped through the gate.

"Okay, lover boy, now where do we go?" the Doctor muttered to him.

"Leave it to me," Jack said.

"Yoooooooooo hooooooooooo!" he called to the guards.

They looked at him through the gate.

"I'm sorry to trouble you nice fellas, but where is the harem at? We're new and we get lost all the time."

"Go up to the palace door and tell the guards there that you're lost, they'll escort you to your quarters!" the guard barked at him.

"Thank you, love,"

The guards quickly turned away when Jack blew them a kiss.

"There," Jack said as he and the Doctor turned and walked towards the gate. "Now we know how to get into the harem."

"You had better be right about this, Harkness, because if something goes wrong and Rose dies, you'll live to regret it!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"Oh my God," Jack said, when the guard shoved them through the door of the harem "It's a smorgasbord!"

He stared at the beautiful women sitting on the cushioned floor. By his estimation, there had to be at least forty of them. Jack felt his penis harden at the sight of them. He grunted when the Doctor smacked the back of his head.

"Ahem, we are here to find Rose, not to pick out a date for you!" he said angrily.

"I can't help it if they're all so gorgeous," Jack said, shrugging.

They walked through the women trying to find Rose. The Doctor rolled his eyes when he noticed Jack winking and flirting with the women resting near his feet.

"Hey babe," Jack was saying to the women. "How's it going? Hi, there, cutie! Call me? Oooo, pink looks good on you! Maybe you could give me private belly dancing lessons later?"

He glanced over at a eunuch standing against the far wall.

"Wow, he's not bad looking either. Too bad he's been castrated, we could have had a nice three way with me and him and Ian---"

"Will you quit window shopping and pay attention?" the Doctor hissed at him. "We have to find Rose!"

They stopped and looked at the women lounging around them. There were women of every size, shape, color, and species, and thankfully, none of them were wearing head veils. They could see their hair, if they had any hair, but none of them resembled Rose. The Doctor felt sick when he realized where she might be.

"Oh, my Rose," he whispered as his hearts tore in two. "I've failed you. You've probably been raped by now, and it's all my---"

"Oi! Let go of me!"

The Doctor and Jack spun around when they heard Rose's voice behind them. They watched a guard push her through the open door and slam it shut in her face. She flipped off the door and grumbling, turned away from it and made her way towards the back of the room.

"Bastard thinks he's gonna run his greasy hands all over me, he's got another thing comin'," they heard her mutter, as she walked by them. "Next time, I'll do more than spit in his face; I'll kick his balls up to his brain."

"I see Rose has been busy," Jack whispered, to the Doctor.

They watched, as she found an open spot and slumped down near the wall. Sighing angrily, she brought her knees up to her chest and stared up at the ceiling. The Doctor started to go to her when Jack grabbed his arm.

"Wait, don't tell her who you are, just pretend you're one of the girls and see if she figures it out," Jack whispered to him.

"Oh come on, Jack, Rose is not that dim. She'll figure out who it is as soon as she gets a look at me," the Doctor whispered back.

"Five quid says she won't."

The Doctor considered that.

"Okay, you're on," he said. "Just be sure to pay me as soon as we get back to the TARDIS."

"No, I think you need to pay me," Jack replied.

The Doctor rolled his eyes. He cleared his throat and made his way through the women towards Rose, who was staring at the wall beside her. The Doctor lowered himself down beside her and glanced over at Jack who was watching them intently. The Doctor grinned. His people had a gift for mimicry, and he could imitate a female voice just as well as a man's. Jack had caught him off guard outside, and he hadn't had time to prepare, hence the weird falsetto voice he used. Here though, he was able to relax and focus, and with Rose looking the other way, he was fairly sure that she wouldn't know it was him. He took a deep breath and spoke with a soft, feminine voice.

"What's wrong, my dear?" he asked, concerned.

He glanced back at Jack, and bit back his laughter when he noticed the shocked look on his face. He could tell Jack hadn't expected him to sound so convincing.

As the Doctor had hoped, Rose didn't turn her head to look at him. She sighed angrily.

"I've been kidnapped and forced to be a harem girl, that's what's wrong!" she said angrily.

"Oh, my darling, it's not such a bad life," the Doctor said soothingly. "Balome treats us all well."

"And by well, do you mean he tries to feel you up and force his bleedin' tongue down your throat every chance he gets?" Rose shot back.

The Doctor fought to control the rage and took a deep breath to calm down. He paused a moment getting himself back in control, and that's when his keen hearing picked up Jack's voice. He turned his head and saw him flirting with a couple of the girls. He spun his head back around and sighed angrily.

"I swear, Harkness, if you get me or Rose killed…," he said, in a barely audible voice.

He rolled his eyes when he heard Jack whispering, "Yes, I am dressed as a harem girl, does that turn you on?" to one of them and focused on Rose who was still staring at the wall.

"Is there anything I can do to help you, sweetheart?" he said, in his feminine voice.

Rose sighed angrily.

"You can't help me. The only ones who can help me are the Doctor and Jack."

"Oh, and who are they?" The Doctor said.

"My friends."

"Are they cute?"

"Yes," Rose said tersely.

The Doctor sighed when he heard Jack and the girls laughing. He turned his head back around and saw he now had a small crowd gathered around him.

"I'm from the Boeshein Peninsula, originally," Jack was telling them in a soft, seductive voice. "Do any of you girls know where that is?"

The Doctor rose and walked over towards him.

"I was the Face of Boe. The first one to be signed up for the Time Agency. Do you girls know about time travel and…"

Jack trailed off when he noticed a foot tapping out of the corner of his eye. He looked at it and followed the foot up, and up, and up until he finally saw the Doctor's angry face.

"Do you want to die, Jack?" the Doctor growled at him.

Jack looked around at the small group of women who were hanging on his every word.

"I'm just trying to make polite conversation while you're over there with Rose," he said softly.

"No, you are stroking that enormous ego of yours by trying to get the whole harem to fall in love with you. You are aware that if they find non-eunuchs in here, they torture and kill them?"

"Yeah, but none of these lovely ladies will tell anyone," he said, winking at them.

The Doctor pointed over to the eunuch standing against the wall.

"No, but he might! He is supposed to tell the guards if men are in here because if he doesn't, it means he loses his head, and I don't mean the one he lost before they put him in here. If you don't want to lose your head, then I suggest you keep your big gob shut!"

Jack sighed.

"Fine, I'll come and keep you and Rose company then," he said, getting to his feet.

The Doctor glared at him before turning and walking back towards Rose. Jack shrugged when the women let out disappointed moans.

"Sorry, gals, duty calls," he said softly.

He made his way through them towards Rose who by now had her head in her hands while she stared at the floor. The Doctor settled down beside her and Jack sat down beside him. The Doctor took a deep breath and switched back to his feminine voice.

"Still thinking about the Doctor and Jack?" he asked her.

"Yes," Rose whispered.

"Missing them?" the Doctor asked.

"Yes."

The Doctor grinned at Jack.

"Well, you never know, dear, they might turn up to save you," the Doctor said.

"Yes," Jack said in his high falsetto voice. "In fact, they might be closer than you think."

Rose jerked her head up when she heard the unnaturally high voice and looked at them. She stared at them in confusion before the Doctor winked at her.

"Hello there, angel, having a fun day in the harem?" the Doctor said, in his normal voice.

Rose's eyes bugged out of her head.

"Doctor? Jack?" she said, staring at them. "Is that you?"

The Doctor nodded. Rose put her hand over her mouth trying not to laugh aloud while she stared at their outfits.

"You have got to be kidding me," she finally said.

She stared at the outfits.

"Wow, this is…really disturbing," she said shaking her head. "You two look weird like that."

"Weird? There's nothing weird about me!" the Doctor whispered to her.

Rose reached into his bra, pulled out a tissue and rolled her eyes, as she stuffed it back in.

"You really think you're gonna get away with looking like this," she asked them.

"We got in the gate, didn't we?" Jack said softly.

Rose raised her eyebrow.

"How'd you manage that? Get a couple of blind guards at the front or something?"

"No, Jack tried to charm one of them, and he got so nauseated that he finally let us in."

"I wouldn't call it nauseated, I think he was just captivated by my beauty, and he fell under my hypnotic spell and let us in."

"No, trust me, Harkness, he was nauseated," the Doctor said.

Rose giggled when Jack flipped him off.

"So, my little harem girls, how you gonna get us back out?" Rose asked. "You know that they are guarding this room really well, and they're not about to let the three of us go swanning out the front door."

"Leave it to me, I'll come up with a brilliant plan as always," the Doctor said.

"Really? I was under the impression that disguising ourselves as harem girls and breaking in here was my idea."

"Yes, like I said, I come up with BRILLIANT plans. This plan was anything but," the Doctor replied.

"You know, if you weren't so darn cute, I'd take that veil of yours and stuff it down your throat."

The Doctor rolled his eyes. He watched while Rose looked around her, confused.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Lady was here a moment ago, trying to comfort me, and she was asking about ya. I wanted you to meet her, she sounded nice," Rose said.

"Oh you mean this lady?" the Doctor said, in his feminine voice.

Rose stared at him, shocked, while he snickered.

"That was you?" Rose said. "Oh my God, I didn't know you could do a woman's voice."

"Yup," the Doctor said, in his normal voice. "Just one of the many talents I have."

"Why didn't you do it at the gate then?" Jack asked.

The Doctor sighed.

"Because I can't do it if someone puts me on the spot. I have to focus on what I'm doing and control my voice, which was why I had to do what you were doing and end up sounding like I'd just escaped from a helium factory."

"I do not sound that bad," Jack said, indignantly.

The Doctor leaned in close to Rose.

"No comment," he murmured to her.

Rose giggled when Jack eyed him.

"But, I think that's enough chit chat for now," the Doctor said, reaching into his bra and pulling out his sonic screwdriver. "Time to get out of here."

"Can't come soon enough for me," Rose replied.

The Doctor helped her to her feet and held her hand. He looked at Jack, who was staring thoughtfully at the other women.

"No, Jack," the Doctor muttered.

"Aw, come on, can't they come with us?" Jack asked.

"Jack, it's gonna be difficult enough for the three of us to escape, let alone forty of us, now come on."

"Well, can't we stop this Balome guy?" Jack whispered, gesturing to the women. "I mean, these women are being held against their will."

"And I suppose you wanna liberate them, so you can have a huge orgy back on the TARDIS."

"Well, now that you mention it…"

"Jack!"

"Alright, no, I just think we should get these women out of here."

"Okay, do you have any plans then for getting forty women out of the palace unseen?" the Doctor asked.

Jack looked around at the women. As he did, an idea came to mind, and he grinned at the Doctor.

"As a matter of fact, I do," he said.

The Doctor looked at Rose.

"Okay, now I'm worried, because the last time he got an idea, I ended up looking like this, so this can't be good," he said, to her.

He sighed.

"Okay, Harkness, what's your plan?" he said, leaning in.

Jack grinned and began to whisper to them.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

"Okay, follow me," Jack said, when he finished telling them his plan. "I'll distract that eunuch, and you knock him out."

"Jack, wait, eunuchs…"

He sighed when Jack walked off and looked at Rose.

"Rose, why doesn't Jack ever listen to me? I try to help him, and he just walks away," he said, gesturing to him.

"He's going to distract the eunuch, Doctor, what's wrong with that?" Rose asked.

The Doctor sighed and got down in her face.

"Rose, you know how Jack usually distracts people, and you do know that once a man is castrated, they lose all interest in sex, which is why they are chosen to guard harems," the Doctor said. "But will he listen to me when I try to tell him that? No, he wants to do everything his own bloody way, and we'll end up getting killed because of it. The only reason I agreed to this…drag show was because I was terrified something was happening to you, and I wanted to get in here as quickly as I could. Believe me, Rose; this was none of my idea!"

He took her hand, and they began to weave their way through the women, while Jack stood next to the eunuch trying to chat him up. The Doctor winced when he listened to his falsetto voice.

"And if he did still have a libido, that voice would kill it instantly," he mumbled, to Rose.

They walked through the enormous room listening to Jack's flirting.

"Have you ever considered going out with one of us?" he was saying to the eunuch, who let out a bored sigh. "I mean a cute guy like you must think about it from time to time."

The Doctor looked back at Rose and rolled his eyes, as they came up beside him.

"So, how 'bout it?" Jack asked him.

"If you do not leave me alone, I will report you to the guards!" the eunuch said, angrily. "Then you can try to flirt your way out of the rack!"

Jack looked back at the Doctor who was sighing angrily.

"You wanna try?" he whispered, to the Doctor.

"Oh, you mean you're gonna listen to me for a change, how refreshing!" the Doctor whispered back. "Yes, move aside, so I can take care of him."

Jack shrugged and stepped aside. The eunuch glared at the Doctor.

"What do you want?" he said, to him. "You want me to report you to the guards as well---"

He was cut off when the Doctor seized a nerve on his neck, pinched it, and rendered him unconscious.

"No, I just thought you might want to take a break." The Doctor said, as he slumped to the ground.

"Nice goin'," Jack said.

"Yeah, well it's a lot more effective than trying to get a date with a man who has no interest in sex." The Doctor replied. "So, now what do we do? We just take the forty women and storm the gate?"

"Well, yeah, a big mass of people like that will create confusion, and with your sonic screwdriver, we'll be able to get out the front door and out the gate and then it's on to the TARDIS and freedom."

"And what if the guards have weapons, as guards often do. Are we lobbing the women at their heads and using them as shields, and whoever's left at the end leaves with us?"

"No, we grab whatever we can find and fight with that," Jack said.

The Doctor looked at Rose.

"Behold, Rose Tyler," he said, gesturing to the women. "Our army! A bunch of half-naked, belly dancing, nubile, slave girls. It's Jack's fantasy come to life."

He looked down at his outfit.

"Actually, its Jack's OTHER fantasy come to life," he said, as Rose giggled.

He sighed and walked over to the women.

"Okay, listen up, we are planning to break out of here and if you want to come with us, then you'll have to help us fight," he said, to them. "We'll get you out alive, but you have to help us. Together we can overpower the guards, so are you with us?"

The girls stared at him blankly. Jack sighed.

"Let me handle this, Braveheart," he said, to him.

He pulled down the face veil, so they could see his handsome face and charming smile.

"Hey gals, wanna help us break out of here and get back to the TARDIS, so we can have a party?"

The girls squealed in unison and leapt to their feet. Jack grinned at the Doctor's shocked expression.

"Gotta know how to talk to em, Doc," he said, fixing his face veil.

The Doctor walked back to Rose. She patted his arm sympathetically.

"I liked your pep talk," she said.

The Doctor smiled and kissed her temple.

"Then, that's the only opinion that counts for me!" he said.

He looked at Jack.

"Well, give your army orders to move out then," he said.

Jack nodded.

"You heard him, gals, move out!"

The Doctor looked at Rose and shook his head when the women followed Jack as if he was the Pied Piper. They started towards the door when it was suddenly thrown open and two guards entered. The guards glared at the women who cowered back towards the wall while the Doctor, Jack, and Rose stepped in front of the eunuch, hiding him from view.

"Where are Rose and Lorelei?" one of the guards said.

The Doctor grabbed Rose's hand.

"Answer me!" the guard said. "Tell me who Rose and Lorelei are, or all of you will suffer!"

"She's right here, and I'm Lorelei!" the Doctor said, in his feminine voice.

Rose stared at him shocked.

"Trust me, Rose," he whispered to her.

"The emperor requests the pleasure of your company," the guard said. "Come with us!"

The Doctor glanced at Jack. He quietly pressed the sonic screwdriver into his palm.

"Use this to get the women out," he muttered to him.

"What about you two?"

"We'll be okay, trust me, just start evacuating the women, and we'll meet you back at the TARDIS."

Jack nodded and held the screwdriver behind his back while the Doctor looked at Rose.

"We'll be alright," he murmured to her.

Rose nodded and walked with him towards the guards while Jack stepped in front of the eunuch. As they neared, the Doctor could see the guards staring at him with the same disgusted face that the ones at the gate had.

"Ugh," the guard whispered to his friend. "What does the emperor see in this one? She's odd-looking."

The Doctor bit back a sarcastic reply, as he and Rose walked past them into the corridor. The guard locked the door, and he and his friend shoved them.

"Forward," he said.

The Doctor and Rose looked at each other and started walking.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Stop."

The Doctor and Rose stopped in front of a massive door. The Doctor glanced over and noticed Rose looking at it with disgust. He leaned in.

"Was this where you were earlier?" he whispered, as one of the guards went inside.

"Yes," she whispered back. "They brought me in here so he could see me, and he started feeling me up and trying to kiss me. I spit in his face, and he slapped me and ordered them to put me with the rest of the harem."

"Well, this time, things are gonna go a bit differently," the Doctor assured her.

Rose nodded.

"I'm just glad I came along with you since I know how to do a proper female voice. Jack would have gotten you killed in under a second," he added.

The guard stepped back out of the room.

"His highness will see you now," he said to them.

The Doctor looked at Rose and gave her hand a little squeeze before they went past the guards and entered the room.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

The first thing the Doctor thought of when he got a good look at Shak Mananak Balome was the man looked exactly like Jabba the Hutt. The ruler of Ruruluk was reclining on a small hill of cushions dressed in a navy blue bathrobe that lay open revealing his lily white, rotund gut. The Doctor noticed that the only other thing he was wearing was a pair of black Speedos that was barely visible beneath the enormous fat roll. Looking at him, the Doctor waited for him to start laughing with a deep Ho, ho, ho as the wall behind them slid up and revealed the Rancor monster.

"You are not Lorelei!" Balome finally said.

The Doctor blinked. He imagined the man would have a deep voice like Jabba; instead, he spoke with a high-pitched, nerdy whine that didn't fit his body type at all. It threw the Doctor for a loop, and it took him a moment to recover and speak with his feminine voice.

"My name is Lorelei, highness," he said, wondering if the real Lorelei was singing his praises for saving her from the horror of having to service Shamu the whale.

"You are not the Lorelei I sent for," Balome said, sounding like a five-year-old kid that had just been told he wasn't going to Disneyland.

"You did not specify which Lorelei you wanted, highness," the Doctor said, shrugging.

Balome stared at him for a moment, confused. Then he looked over at Rose, and an oily grin spread over his face, as he picked up a goblet of alcohol and took a sip.

"Now you are the Rose I sent for," he purred, gesturing to her with the goblet.

"God, suddenly I hate my name," Rose muttered to the Doctor.

"I hope you will be a bit more receptive to me now that you've settled in," he continued. "I realize it must have been a shock being taken away from your friends like that, but soon you will grow to love me."

"Ho, ho, ho, ho," the Doctor muttered to himself.

Rose gave him a questioning glance.

"I'll explain later," he said.

"Come to me, my beautiful one," he said, to her.

The Doctor felt Rose start to back away.

"Come to me or you will suffer!" Balome said.

"Doctor," Rose whispered.

"Leave it to me, Rose," the Doctor said, in his normal tone of voice.

He sighed.

"The things I do for love," he muttered under his breath.

He switched to his feminine voice, as Balome prepared to summon a guard to force Rose to go to him.

"Wait!" he said. "Why do you want this old cow when you can have me?"

The Doctor stiffened, realizing he had just gone too far when he saw the murderous look in Rose's eyes.

"Sorry," he murmured. "I don't really mean that, you know."

"Just watch it, buster, or I'll get a knife and make you female permanently!"

The Doctor swallowed hard and focused his gaze on Balome, who was staring at him intently.

"I…uh…can please you better than Rose can, highness," the Doctor said choosing his words carefully. "I am skilled at many things including making love."

He could tell Balome was intrigued with him. He breathed a sigh of relief knowing that he was keeping his eyes off Rose. He wasn't thrilled with the idea of the horny blob coming on to him, but standing by and watching him shag Rose was a horrifying thought, so he swallowed his pride and continued with his seduction.

"And just what can you do, my pretty one?" Balome purred.

"I can do many things," the Doctor purred back.

Balome smiled.

"Show me, Lorelei," he said.

"Oh, this oughta be good," Rose muttered.

The Doctor got into his best seductive pose, batting his eyelids at Balome who sipped his drink and gave her an appraising stare. He started to wiggle his hips and rub his hands up and down his body while Rose tried not to laugh. She glanced over at Balome and snorted when she saw he was into his performance.

"God, man must be really drunk or really horny if he's getting off on this," she muttered.

The Doctor paused for a moment and then he began to jerk his hips around while he sang out,

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours,  
Damn right it's better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours,  
Damn right it's better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge.

"Oh Jesus," Rose muttered, putting her head in her hand.

The Doctor ran his hands up and down his body, as he neared closer to him.

I know you want it, the thing that makes me.  
What the guys go crazy for.  
They lose their minds, the way I wind, I think its time.

The Doctor did a high kick that Rose had to admit was impressive. He spun around and began to shake his butt at Balome.

La la-la la la, warm it up.  
Lala-lalala, the boys are waiting.

La la-la la la, warm it up.  
Lala-lalala, the boys are waiting.

"I had no idea the Doctor knew the lyrics to this song, and frankly, I don't wanna know how he learned it," Rose muttered to herself.

She lowered her head to her hand and groaned while the Doctor fell to his knees and undulated while Balome stared at him with unbridled lust.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours,  
Damn right it's better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge.

"If you charge, Doctor, you better make damn sure you get the money up front," Rose muttered.

The Doctor rose up and settled down on the cushions next to Balome. He continued to undulate, as Balome ran his meaty finger down his cheek.

I can see you're on it, you want me to teach thee.  
Techniques that freaks these boys, it can't be bought, just know, thieves get caught.  
Watch if you're smart.

Balome applauded.

"Excellent!" he said. "You really are talented, my pretty one."

"Oh, I have other talents besides singing and dancing." the Doctor said, fluttering his eyelashes.

"Damn, what a time to be caught without my camera," Rose muttered.

By now, Rose had been completely forgotten, as Balome ran his hand slowly up the Doctor's side.

"So, my little minx, what other talents do you have then?" he said, in a throaty voice.

"I have an extensive knowledge of pressure points," the Doctor purred.

Balome's eyebrows rose.

"Oooo, what kinds of pressure points?" he said.

"The kind of pressure points that render you unconscious and allow us to escape," the Doctor cooed.

Balome stared at him in confusion.

"What does that me…"

He was cut off when the Doctor seized the nerve in his neck, pinched it, and knocked him out.

"That's what it means!" he said, in his normal voice.

He sighed and stood up. He looked down at Balome and shuddered.

"Ugh, I'm so glad I didn't eat this morning," he said.

He turned and noticed Rose was giggling at him.

"Don't say a word, Tyler," he said, pointing his finger at her.

Rose began to jerk her body around.

"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, it's better than yours!" she said, mimicking the Doctor.

She bent over laughing, as the Doctor glowered at her.

"I'd like to see you do better than that, Rose," he said, walking towards her. "Apparently, I was so convincing that I got him to lust after me instead of you."

"Doctor, his fat ass was so pissed; he'd probably hump a lamppost if it came on to him." Rose said.

"Humph," the Doctor said giving her a haughty look. "Well, I for one thought it was an extremely seductive performance."

"It was something, but it wasn't seductive. I thought it looked more like a drag queen on LSD having an epileptic seizure, but hey, if you wanna think of it as seductive, be my guest."

She poked him in the side and walked away, as the Doctor mumbled under his breath.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The Doctor was able to subdue the guards standing outside Balome's doorway with the same neck pinch he had used on Balome. After that, there was no need to do anything since every other guard including the ones at the gate had been rendered unconscious. The Doctor looked at Rose, as they walked through the gate.

"I guess Jack and the women did a good job getting themselves out," he said to her.

He took her hand, and they hurried off into the woods towards the TARDIS.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The Doctor drummed his fingers on the console and sighed angrily. He could hear rock music coming from the rec room where Jack was currently entertaining the forty harem girls. The music was so loud he could hear it loud and clear even though the rec room was some distance away.

Rose entered the console room, finishing a sandwich.

"He's still going at it," she said, walking up to him. "I just checked, and he's sitting in the middle of all of them telling stories and dirty jokes."

She hesitated a moment.

"He…uh…invited me to join them, but I told him you wouldn't like it," she added.

"Rose, this is a time machine, is it not?" the Doctor said.

"Yes."

"It is not a brothel, right?"

"Right."

The Doctor turned around, leaned against the console, and pointed at the back door.

"Well, apparently Jack didn't get the memo about that because he's turning my ship into one!" he said angrily. "My TARDIS is not party central, nor is it his personal shag pad! Those women are gonna have to go because I'm pretty sure there will be a mass orgy if this keeps up!"

"Well, what are we gonna do then?" Rose asked.

The Doctor folded his arms over his chest as he thought. A grin slowly spread over his face, and he giggled.

"Oh, I know just the thing to put a stop to this," he said, punching in some coordinates.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The cog door rolled back, and Gwen hurried into the room, as the TARDIS materialized in the corner.

"Doctor! Great to see you!" Gwen said, when the door opened, and he stuck his head out.

"Likewise, Gwen," the Doctor said, nodding.

He smiled at her.

"Is Ianto around? Jack wants to see him. He's missed him a lot," he said, innocently.

"Yeah, hang on, I'll go get him."

"Thanks, Gwen,"

As she went to fetch him, he stuck his head back in the TARDIS and smiled at Rose who was standing beside him.

"Jacky boy is about to get a surprise visit from his lover," he said, to her.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ianto followed the Doctor, as he led him back to the rec room. The rock music grew louder, as they came closer.

"Jack is back here?" Ianto said, to him.

"Yup, he wants to see you, said he has something you should see," the Doctor said, casually.

He stopped and pointed to a room at the end of the corridor.

"He's in there, just make yourself at home Ianto," the Doctor said, patting him on the shoulder.

"Thanks, Doctor," Ianto replied.

The Doctor nodded and hurried away, as Ianto walked towards the rec room.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"And so I said to him, you have two choices, surrender, or eat lead!"

The women cooed and giggled, as Jack paused to take a sip of wine.

"Well, the guy refused to put down his gun, and he started firing at me, so I jumped behind a rock and started firing back and---"

"AHEM!"

Jack jerked his head up and looked towards the door. His mouth dropped to the floor when he saw Ianto standing there with murder in his eyes.

"Ianto!" he said, in a high-pitched voice, as he leapt to his feet.

"Hello, Jack," Ianto said coldly. "Busy entertaining?"

Jack shifted his feet.

"Um…well…I…um…I'm just…looking after these poor women until the Doctor can take them back to their planets."

He frowned.

"What are you doing here?"

"The Doctor is at Torchwood right now, said you wanted to see me, said you missed me," Ianto said, folding his arms over his chest.

Jack cursed the Doctor under his breath.

"Damn it, Doc, you could have just told me to knock it off, and I would have listened," he muttered to himself.

"So, what exactly were you and these women going to do if the Doctor hadn't stopped by Torchwood?" Ianto said to him.

Jack coughed nervously.

"Um…nothing, really, just telling stories, and jokes, keeping them entertained."

"Uh-huh, you sure that was the only entertainment they were going to get?"

Jack glanced down at the women who were looking at both the men in silence.

"Look…uh…why….why don't you and I leave the TARDIS and have a nice, long chat, perhaps over some dinner?" Jack said, hopefully.

Ianto stared at him silently.

"My treat," Jack added.

Ianto narrowed his eyes.

"And then we can have some fun with the old stopwatch, afters?"

Ianto said nothing. Jack sighed and glanced down at the women.

"Ladies, look, you have been very charming, but I'm afraid I must go," he said, to them. "My boyfriend and I have to straighten a few things out."

He tried to get through them and grunted when the women dove at him and seized his legs. He looked down at them and looked over at Ianto who was now red in the face.

"Ianto, this isn't what it looks like!" Jack said, desperately. "All I did was talk to them! Honestly!"

Ianto turned and walked away. Jack wrenched his legs out of the women's grasp and ran after him.

"Ianto, wait! Let me explain!" he yelled, as he dashed after him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The Doctor sat in the captain's chair with his feet up on the console. Jack had left the TARDIS with Ianto apologizing profusely to him. The Doctor had managed to sort out what planets the women had come from and took them all home. Now, he was taking a well-deserved rest.

He glanced over and smiled when Rose came into the room. He patted the seat beside him and put his arm around her shoulder when she sat down.

"Think Jack will ever forgive ya for doing that to him?" she asked.

"Oh yeah, he won't stay mad at me for long. It was his fault anyway. If I hadn't stopped him, he probably would have shagged those women and after all they've been through, the last thing they need is someone taking advantage of them like that. Jack isn't the kind to hold a grudge, not against me at any rate. He'll be back."

He smiled at her.

"Thing is, he forgot to take his harem outfit, and he forgot to pay me the five quid he owes me."

"Why does he owe you five quid?"

"Because he and I had a bet that you would know it was me as soon as you saw me, and I won," he said, smugly.

He sighed.

"Ah well, I'll get it from him the next time he travels with us," he added.

He smiled at Rose.

"So, where to next?" he asked.

Rose grinned.

"Are there any other places you could wear the harem girl outfit?"

The Doctor's eyes widened.

"What?"

"I mean, I thought you looked pretty cute in it," she purred. "It's a shame you only wore it once, you need to wear it somewhere else now."

"Rose Tyler, I wouldn't wear that thing again if you paid me!"

Rose pouted.

"Not even for me?" she said, batting her eyelashes.

"No!"

"You won't put it on just for me and sing the milkshake song again?"

"No!"

Rose gave him the puppy dog eyes.

"Puh-leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze!" she said.

The Doctor stared at her while the gears in his head turned.

"Okay, I'll wear it, on one condition," he said.

"Yeah, what?"

He grinned.

"You have to wear it first and do the milkshake song for me!" he said.

Rose considered that. She shrugged.

"Eh, it's a small price to pay to see you wear that getup again," she said.

The Doctor chuckled and took her hand.

"Rose Tyler, I think this is the beginning of a weird little fetish for us, and if it is, you are not to tell a soul because if Jack gets wind of this, he'll be wanting us to wear the outfits 24/7, got that?"

"Got it!"

The Doctor kissed her hand and stood up.

"Well, get up then, Tyler, it's time to see whose milkshake is better!"

Rose giggled and leapt up.

"My milkshake is better than yours!" she said, as they walked towards the back door.

"Nah, my milkshake is nice and creamy, yours is just a tasteless little mix that they use in restaurants."

"P'eh, we'll see about that, then!" Rose said.

The Doctor grinned at her.

"Five quid?"

"You're on, buster!"

"Then get in there, Tyler, and put your money where your arse is!"

Rose laughed and ran off.

"Last one there is a drag queen!" she called out.

She howled with laughter when the Doctor took off after her and chased her down the corridor towards the wardrobe room.

THE END.


End file.
